For a long time, society has tried to separate connection from coordination, friendship from responsibility, and togetherness from the inevitable discomfort that comes with differences. But humans have always relied on one another, and reliance includes friction.
Belonging requires us to show up even when staying home would be easier. It asks us to stay in hard conversations, and to trust people whose values or personalities stretch our own capacity for empathy.
These inconveniences are not flaws - they are part of the invisible framework that keeps communal life intact. Emerging research shows that if we remove the five key forms of constructive friction that communities rely on, the bonds that make them resilient start to dissolve.
Three intertwined crises
Evidence of that breakdown is already visible in three overlapping social struggles:
1️⃣ A loneliness crisis
A global health review shows that loneliness now affects roughly one in six people worldwide, and North American surveys indicate the problem has worsened in recent years. Loneliness carries a death toll approaching that of smoking - hundreds of thousands of lives each year.
Part of this spike comes from family fractures. Tens of millions in North America are estranged from a close relative - often because that person is seen as too difficult, too different, or a disruptor of past family patterns. In cultures like the U.S., where independence is seen as more important than obligation, parent-child rifts are especially common compared to Europe.
2️⃣ Increasingly toxic workplaces
Most U.S. employees now say their work environment feels harmful to their mental health - a steep increase in just a few years. Global estimates suggest that disengagement is draining hundreds of billions of dollars in lost productivity. Despite employers spending heavily on wellness programs, the social fabric of work is still fraying.
3️⃣ Declining trust in public institutions
Confidence in governments, employers, and civic systems continues to drop. These three crises - loneliness, estrangement, and eroding trust - share a root problem: the weakening of the structures that used to connect people to one another.
What convenience has taken from us
A recent analysis of emotional intelligence spanning 166 countries found a dramatic worldwide decline since 2019 - particularly in motivation, optimism, and purpose. Researchers describe this as an “emotional recession,” where our collective ability to cope and care is shrinking.
One major factor is the rise of convenience culture. When comfort becomes the top priority, meaningful interaction becomes optional. Apps and algorithms engineer social life to avoid discomfort: no real conflict, no obligation, no need to negotiate differences. But those “messy” interactions are what build trust and interdependence.
We’ve streamlined away the very experiences that help us grow alongside others - then wonder why relationships feel fragile and people feel divided.
Fitting in demands compliance without change. Belonging, however, is a mutual exchange where each side reshapes the other. Convenience culture is allergic to that kind of effort, but communities cannot survive without it.
Five necessary “good frictions”
Research on belonging in organizations points to five types of inconvenience that make community thrive:
1️⃣ Shared investment
Everyone must contribute - not just the same people over and over - so that membership actually matters.
2️⃣ Making time
Digital messages can’t replace showing up. Relationships deepen through physical presence and coordinated schedules.
3️⃣ Staying with difference
Instead of withdrawing when disagreement arises, remain curious and practice respectful debate.
4️⃣ Repairing conflict
Instead of blocking, avoiding, or quitting, do the slow work of addressing harm and rebuilding trust.
5️⃣ Mutual dependence
Let people help you, and be willing to help them. Interdependence is the glue that turns individuals into a community.
Choosing connection over comfort
Whether you lead a family, a team, or a neighborhood group, the challenge is to remove the barriers that truly harm people - but protect the kinds of difficulty that build healthier bonds. Emotional intelligence research consistently shows that people who embrace these constructive inconveniences have stronger relationships, greater effectiveness, and higher well-being.
Community isn’t sustained by surface-level connection. It’s sustained by commitment, accountability, and the willingness to be changed by others.
Every time we choose human connection over ease, we invest in the future of our relationships and our societies.
The real test ahead is simple:
Are we still willing to pay the price of belonging?
